The Camera Shy Journal

“Don’t forget

that what’s to come hasn’t come yet.”

As much as I try to fight it (but why do I fight it?), the end of a year nearly always sends me down that silly path of self-reflection. And hell’s bells! 2008 has been a doozy…

When 2008 began, I was married. Now, I’m divorced. I used to live with my kids all of the time; now, we’re only together half the time.

In 2008, I sold a house, bought a house, moved to an apartment and finally, rented a house. I started in a 623 and ended in a 623.

In 2008, I made choices that inadvertently hurt people, and because of that, many of my friendships and relationships changed. Over the past few months, it has become way too easy for me to dwell on those changes, and to get sensitive and upset when I see the ways in which the changes manifest.

It’s been a weight on my shoulders that I just don’t care to bring into 2009. To that end, I think I’m slowly coming to realize that it’s time to let go of how things were. I can’t expect things to be the same.

And that’s okay. It has to be.

To all my friends and internet acquaintances out there, I’m sorry if I hurt you, directly or indirectly.

…

I am very much ready to move on from the pain and grief of 2008 and enter 2009 with a big ole happy smile on my face. It’s been a while since I was excited about the prospect of a new year, but man-oh-man, I am sooooooo excited about 2009! And why not? I have so much to be happy about…my kids, my Jason, my job, my friends, my cute little rental house, another trip to Williamsburg. More photos to take. More journal entries to write.

That reminds me…Camera Shy will be going through some changes in the next little bit, though I’m not quite sure what or when or how. I’ve thought fairly seriously of shutting her down and starting something new, but my gut tells me to keep her going.

That being said, after 600+ pictures, I’m beginning to run out of ideas. So – I’m going to try throwing some themes around. For example, the entire month of January will be dedicated to my favorite things. It will be like a photographic “about me” list. I’m not sure what February will bring – any ideas?

Anyway, I’ve rambled on long enough. I wish each of you the best in this new year!

The New, Interpol

I saw Everything is Illuminated a few years back and instantly loved it. This song was featured in the trailer for the movie, which I’m sure I saw at some point (I always like to watch trailers for movies after I see the movie).

I started listening to DeVotchKa a couple months ago, and was happily surprised to find this song, with its distant, detached sort of familiarity. It’s like having a pleasant conversation with a stranger at the grocery store, only to meet this same person years later and end up best friends. I’ve never actually had that happen, but it sounds nice. : )

Anyhow, DeVotchKa’s never too far from my CD player these days.

This one is for Spotz.

Today is the first Saturday in December and traditionally the day of the Oak Ridge Christmas parade. I love parades (’cause in general, I’m a dork), and all day yesterday I mentally prepared myself to brave an hour of sub-freezing morning temperatures with the kids:

• Coats? Check.
• Hats? Hoods on coats? Check.
• Gloves? Check? Well, a pair for the little guy. The others know how to utilize pockets. So yeah, check.

Anyway, last night I figured that I ought to double check what time it was to begin, so I hopped on over to the Chamber of Commerce’s website…only to find that the Christmas parade is not this morning, but Saturday the 13th, and at night! The kids will be with James next weekend…so…what do I do?

…

I feel like I’m floundering around this season, flailing about trying to find the Christmas spirit. The want is there, but I keep getting stuck. When I saw that the parade was on a different day and time, it really struck me that without the framework of that traditional day and time, I just didn’t know what to do. This funny little moment of panic set in, and I just felt like I was stuck.

I think it’s the same way with Christmas in general this year. The traditions that were built over the past ten years are no longer there. Last year, I knew just what to do at Christmas time, because that’s how I had done it the year before, and the year before that, and so on.

Now, everything is new and different. I’m in a new and somewhat unfamiliar house, there are new family dynamics still sorting themselves out, and I’m still learning to adjust to having the kids around only half the time. And without the framework of tradition…I’m just at a loss of what to do.

I think my blasted anxiety plays into this as well, and perhaps some unrealistic expectations of what Christmas should be like. Jason brought up a good point last night: should I even be feeling the Christmas spirit yet — when Christmas itself is still weeks away?

…

So, no Christmas parade this morning. Instead, a beautiful and frosty sunrise. Wingnut waking up at 6:04 and October still asleep at 8:13. Lilo and Stitch playing in the living room. A cup of coffee with chocolate syrup because we’re out of milk. A quiet kind of calm as I think about building new traditions and learning not to rely so heavily on frameworks.

Honk if you think all I ever do is post memory-lane youtube videos.

: )

Actually, it’s a bit different today.  The video I wanted to post doesn’t want to be imbedded, so if you’re curious, here’s the link.

It’s in my top 15 all-time favorite songs, though I never bought the album or the single.

I’ve been feeling a bit burned out with the whole photography hobby.  I don’t want to be burned out, because deep down I know how much I really love taking pictures.

When I’m in a good kind of photography mood, I can go just about anywhere and see things that I want to take pictures of.  Lately, I just haven’t been seeing anything that would make a good photograph.  I know the opportunities are there.  I’m just not seeing them.

How do I get out of my slump?